Cathartic Writing

This post is not about him...but he's so darn cute.

Well friends, it's been a long time since I have blogged. It seems that all of my writing energy these days is put into finishing my dissertation....a task that is frankly kicking my hiney. I am deep in the throws of writing chapter 4 and hopefully soon chapter 5, interviewing for jobs, fretting over where life will take us next, and thinking about the class I am teaching this semester. And today it hit me...a chapter in my life is about to be over; a safe, comfortable, although not easy chapter of my life will come to a close in May and I will embark upon a whole new adventure, one that seems dauntingly scary at the moment.

I have done well these past several months to trust in God or perhaps to ignore the looming reality that is headed our way. In May, Lord willing, I will graduate with my Ph.D, a feat I would certainly not recommend, but one I am proud to be completing. Actually, I have very mixed emotions about finishing. The last four years, while stressful to say the least, have afforded me the opportunity to be at home, to see my community during daylight hours, to eat lunch with my girlfriends, to have bible studies in the middle of the day, to work for my church and for my school at the same time, to go a matinee with my husband (well before Eli at least), and most importantly to raise my son. In 2007, God opened the door for me to go back to school full time, work as a graduate assistant, supervise student teachers, and serve as the programming director for our church. He orchestrated it all, He made sure that financially everything came into order, He made sure that my time was multiplied, He made sure I was equipped to do it. In short He was in charge and I knew that. Now as I ponder what is to come upon graduation, I want to be in charge. I want to be able to stay in my community, continue working for my church, and find a job at a local university. Yes, I want my cake and to be able to eat it too, icing and all. But the reality is, I'm not in charge, He is, and while that should provide me great comfort, I am still really nervous about what the future holds.

We have been in our house for 6 years, we love our house, we love our street, we love our neighbors. We have poured our blood, sweat, and tears into making this house our home. And while I will be sad to leave our house, should we move, it is not it that I will miss the most...it is my dear precious friends and my community that I will be heartbroken over leaving. It is the spontaneous dinners with the neighbors, the smore parties, the stroller races, the evening walks, talks on old wooden benches, sabbath dinners, acacia gatherings, and so much more that I will miss. It will be the friends who have laughed and cried with me, who have told me to get a grip, prayed for me, comforted me, stood beside me as I delivered my son, loved on my son, feed me, and acted as the hands and feet of Jesus that I will miss the most. It is watching each other's children grow up, make mistakes, and learn to grow from them that I will miss. It is the sense of belonging, the feeling of comfort, the shared sense of purpose that I will miss.

And for what....a job! Is it worth it...or could I just work at HEB or Home Depot? Do I really want to leave all of this behind. At this moment, I have an on-campus interview with Baylor University and St. Louis University in Feburary. I have had a phone interview with Texas State and will have one with Western Oregon University next week. And while I am fretful, I am also excited about Baylor...an opportunity for me to fuse my two passions together. A place to be an Academic and love Jesus at the same time. So while I had a sense of peace about this last week, frankly I am an emotional wreck at this point. I think reality has finally hit me...what if one of these universities offers me a job, what will I say?? How will I leave the people and community I love?

Here's the reality, I would love to stay home with my son and my future babies, but I have worked for 4 years to be a professor. Can I do both effectively? I feel like my first call is to my home and to my family, but does that mean I am to stay home? I wonder about the what-if's...what if i turned down a position, what if we can't afford to stay home, what if i miss an opportunity. What if's and doubts swirl in my head.

So here's where I need you guys...would you just pray with me. Pray that the sense of peace that has left me will return, that I will put my trust back in the only one who is wise enough to make this decision. Specifically, will you pray that God doesn't make me chose between community and a job (whatever that means). That God will narrow the possibilities so that His path is abundantly apparent to me. I apologize for the long diatribe, but sometimes one needs a good cathartic write (and not a terribly boring dissertation) to express one's feelings. So thanks for giving me that opportunity and thanks for praying.