Loss and Life

Elliana's birth was a most joyous occasion for so many reasons. In particular, Elli is our rainbow baby--meaning she is a baby born after we lost another child due to miscarriage. On January 30, 2015, Ben and I found out we had lost our 3rd child. The sweet baby we lost was due on August 21, 2015, the day before Adi's birthday. It was a devastating day to say the least. On February 2, 2015 I had a D&C--this was one of the saddest days of my life as we said goodbye to our precious little one. Fortunately, I was surrounded by amazing friends and family who were incredibly supportive throughout the whole process. Telling our other two kiddos that we had lost the baby was no easy task and one that we dreaded--but goodness our little people certainly have a more eternal perspective than we do. My sweet Eli told me, "mama, I am sorry that our baby died, but I know he's in heaven now." We have since mourned the loss of this life and will never forget the sweet baby that we had already grown to love.

So when we found out we were pregnant with number four, I was both excited, yet fearful. And guess what this baby was due on February 3, one year and one day after we said goodbye to our third baby. For anyone who has lost a baby, there is always that feeling of "what if"--what if this one turns out the way the last one did, what if this baby doesn't make it, what if I have to go through that all again. Despite my best efforts to give this one to God, there were always the what-ifs in the back of my mind. Fortunately, God gave us small glimpses of his presence throughout the process. At 12 weeks we were able to see Elliana on an ultrasound because they weren't able to find her heartbeat externally. And she was perfect--she already looked like a precious baby at just 12 weeks. So I breathed a sigh of relief. But, the what ifs creeped back in. At 34, I am no spring chick by medical standards and I worried that this little one might have complications because of my age.  So at 20 weeks when the sonographer told me everything was perfect, I breathed another sigh of relief. As each week progressed and we made it closer to delivery the what ifs began to grow quieter and quieter.

So Elliana's arrival on January 31, 2015--exactly one year and one day after we heard the news that we lost our third baby--was just another glimpse of God's incredible presence and power in our lives. Elliana has already fulfilled the destiny of her name--Indeed Elliana is proof that God answered. God answered us throughout our loss in a variety of ways and most importantly in the birth of our sweet baby girl.

We will never forget the little one that we lost and look forward to meeting him when we make our way to our eternal home. I can imagine that our four little ones will be the best of friends.